she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
