I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
