I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
