i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
