Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
