My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
