Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
