did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
