My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
