So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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