Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
