Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
