I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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