I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
