Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
