I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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