Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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