What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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