Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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