you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
