Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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