I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
