is your mom at the bar?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
worst night to have a conscience
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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