Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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