Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
