He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
birth control should be required to get into college
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
