Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
