my being single is dangerous.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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