I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
it's great music for shaving your balls
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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