um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
