It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
