Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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