Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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