Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
