i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
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