my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
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So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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