took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
