ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
