I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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