I feel like I'm in dance class right now
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
this is an emotional support booty call
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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