Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
