i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
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Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
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I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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