i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
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Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
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I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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