the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
