You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
