Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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