I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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