Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
