My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
