please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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