She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
