but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
