I will die if light touches me.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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