so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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