I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
tell me about the eggs
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
