I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
