Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
